I don't want to have another year like this but, I'm finding it very hard to change. Even though I want to. I guess I've become so conditioned to waiting (being lazy) that it's more natural than... anything else.

I've got to re-train myself. It's hard to do when you have no motivation. I mean, I guess the motivation is the end result right? But when the end result is months, or years away, it's so hard to put it into perspective.

I've become so lazy and lethargic (especially lately) that I'm doing little more than my laundry every couple weeks. Even that is a bitter war between me and the couch. There are so many better ways I should be spending my time. I just don't get it.

I keep telling myself, "if only this were different" or "when I do this..." everything would be alright. Like I'd magically become a totally different person, emotionally, physically, mentally and spirtitually just by altering one thing. But it doesn't work that way does it.

I don't know, maybe its the routine of it all. I mean, all I do is work, eat, sleep, update this journal, and read a little. Maybe I need to shake things up or whatever.

I seriously miss just calling Zian up on a random wednesday night and having him come right over with the "shiny black truck". Toys R Us, Dennys, A Movie. Hanging out with Jess and the boys at Ry'n's place. Watching the boys play Grand Theft Auto, Driving down Whyte with "Here Comes The Judge" blaring (just to see if anyone would notice), Mario Party for hours.

I don't have any of that at all anymore.

I don't know people here. I guess it's not that I don't know people. I mean, I work with over 200 people every night. But... none of them are... people I want to hang outside of work. And I'm so self concious. So shy around new people. I've been here a year and the only people I talk to are work related or family. Which is totally my own fault like I said. It's just ... difficult. I guess.

I sit here just getting through the day(night), working away and all of a sudden a thought about somewhere back home will pop into my head. Like Earls on campus. Not even a memory of us being there or anything but just a flash of the place in my mind. Its like I'm back home and I'm thinking about stopping by that area in an hour or so. It's kind of creepy. Kind of sad. Then I remember that I'm not home. and I can't just pop over to meet up with them.

What's even worse? I know when I do go back, it's going to be totally different. Our relationships will all have changed. People will have moved on. New favorites will have been established. Life will have gone on without me.

I'm holding on so tight that when I open my hand its all squished and broken.

You can never go home again. Where ever I am is where I'll be. When I go back, it won't be home anymore. It will be... just a cold city, old neighbourhood, and just a house. not a home.