I was there to see him, but just to see him, what he's become. "do you want to say hi?" Hesitation. "no, let's just go." But he saw me. Saw through me.

There's so much I wanted to say, but all that came out was "hi". Then I left.

Couldn't get it out of my mind, almost a week later, not that the past 6 years have been any different.

The fool I am, I wrote to him. Just a stupid little email. It was a small fraction of everything I'd been thinking. The least important things. I thought it might be a good starting point.

The problem is he wrote back. It's not his words exactly. It's just, so formal. So distant. I don't even know him any more. To be honest, I don't know that I ever really did.

God, this is so pathetic. Why am I so upset about a boy that was never really mine. How can you lose something you never even had? And why does it break my heart every damn time. I should know better. The same mistakes over and over and I never learn. Not one bit. And it never gets any easier. No, I only sit here a little longer, staring at his words, wondering why on earth I care so much about something that never even happened.