Sometimes, I do things I know I shouldn't. Things I know I shouldn't and sometimes things I don't even like. Just to remember why I don't. I guess it's kind of stupid and juvenile but it makes me feel different at least for a bit.

People keep asking me what's wrong and "are you mad"? I don't know why. I don't feel any more frustrated than usual (haha). I guess it's just this stupid birthday. I hate holidays. Birthdays always dissapoint me and New Years always makes me cry (just to name a few). Not to mention that on my 21st birthday I will be not only across the country from my friends, and away from my family (who are all going to a cottage that week) but I will be working that night. The very thought of it makes me sad. Sadder still to know that someone will try to do something nice for me and somehow that too will disapoint me. Not because I want it to, but because... just because.

I walked through the rain last night until I was soaked. It was great. Only partially in part to the fact that it was cinematic. It was fun, refreshing, "deep", and mostly reminded me of being out in the rain with the girls, in the field between Vimy Ridge and Idylwylde. And the numerous times at Ry'n's parties we'd go to the playground there after spending half the night in his basement playing games. It reminded me of how Jess and Channy would walk with me in the rain with little hesitation. How Zian would do it in a split second cause he's just as intense and immature as I am at times. And how Ry'n would laugh and tell me he'd meet up with me later to grab a bite to eat. I miss them.

Maybe I am cheesy, maybe I try to be profound and deep. Maybe it's because I know I'll never be a superstar. I'll never be that "punk rock princess". Times will never seem like as much fun as they were looking back. But at least for a moment I can pretend right? Maybe I'm a fool. But at least I'm a happy fool.

I don't know, maybe Times seem so much more fun looking back because we don't remember the bad times. Or at least we don't remember the ordinary, mundane details. It makes everything look so much more thrilling and fast pased. Makes me wonder where the last 21 years went. I'll have to think about that one...