Dear J,

I don't really know how to begin this letter. I never thought I would have this type of conversation with you.

First of all, if you took the entry in my journal to be spiteful or mean in any way, I want to appologize. Maybe I shouldn't have put it up there, knowing that you would see it. It's not that I was pissed off, just a little dissapointed. And not just with you, but with everyone.

I read your first entry on the subject and want you to know, I wasn't trying to guilt you into anything, I was just not so interested in seeing the movie then. Also, I wasn't trying to keep it a secret from you or anything. The reason I wanted to go in the first place was to spend some time with everyone, not because I had any particular attachment to the movie. So when I realized it was just me and you, the more I thought about it, I figured it would be more fun to just spend time with everyone . Not because it wouldn't be fun to just hang out with you, but because spending time socializing with my friends is more important to me than seeing a movie is. There wasn't any malicious intent.

You wrote about feeling superior and sorry for Mel. But why? I know you can't control how you feel, but that really hurt me too. It makes me wonder how you really feel about me. I've never really been any more well-off than Mel has been and you are also currently jobless.

You seem to think that you are the only one with dreams and ambitions. Mel, John and I are all working towards goals too. I may have made some mistakes along the way but I'm learning from them and working to overcome them. Also, I have never meant to stand between you and the plans you have for your life.

I'm not trying to make you feel small, or guilty, or anything else, but I need you to hear my side of this so we can discuss it (if we want to have any hope of staying friends). You were playing games and that's not fair either. I asked you several times if you were ok with everything. You lied to me. You said you wanted to go home because you needed to think about things with Andrew. I asked you outright if it had anything to do with me and you said no. That's not right. How am I supposed to defend myself, or even try to explain or appologize, if you don't tell me what's going on? I'm not trying to manipulate you, if you want to move on, if you feel that I'm not the type of person you want to associate with, I can understand that. People do change and some eventually grow appart. That's not what I have the issue with.

As for your relationship with Andrew, you're right. I don't know him, I don't understand your relationship, and you're free to see whomever you like. But you continue to bring up your issues with the relationship in conversations with me. I'm not trying to ruin your life, or tell you what to do, but how can I not respond? You already know that I think your current relationship with him is unhealthy, and I believe you can do better. You shouldn't sell yourself short and attribute all of your personal successes to him, you are savvy and intellegent, even without his influence. (Though I don't doubt that he may have helped you discover things along the way).

You say I can't take a little criticism? What you wrote wasn't just criticism, and it definitely wasn't constructive. It was hurtful and cowardly. I asked you at least twice that night if your bad mood had anything to do with me and you denied it, saying you had to deal with issues to do with Andrew. You lied to me to avoid discussing the issue. That is your weakness, not your association to me.

I locked my journal because I didn't want you to read my entries written in out of frustration, before I could talk to you about it. I didn't think that would be fair, and I didn't want to start some kind of feud. I took you off my buddy list, because you have a right to have a place to vent about anything that bothers you without having to worry about consequences. And because it bothered me to read what you wrote about me and Mel.

So I guess it's up to you now. If you really feel you've outgrown me, or whatever, nothing I could say or do would change your mind. (You know I've been through this before.) I'm tired of fighting to stay friends with people who don't want to be around me. But if you want to discuss this, and try to work through it, you know where to find me.

Dee

The only problem with it is this... She wrote an appology and emailed me too. So I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I want to call Mel and ask her, but its only 7 am there and that's just not cool. Damn this time difference. Maybe I'll just call her when I wake up for work tonight...

*sigh*

Any Thoughts?