I was thinking, as we drove home, about new years resolutions. Normally I hate resolutions. I think they are a way for people to continue to talk about change without actually having to do anything. I mean, if you are serious about doing something which you deem big enough to make it a "resolution" why wait until new years? Start now. Don't just talk and think and mull it over. Act on it. But I digress. So I'm thinking of making a list of things I'd like to accomplish this year. But I'm not even really sure that the things on my list are the right things.

I kind of feel like I'm being pulled in two directions. I really long to go home, to my old life, my old friends, my old town. But those were also some of the reasons I left and I know that with all those things come my old bad habits and my old destructive relationships. I want to go back to school, or at least, they want me to go back to school. And I want to make them happy, or get them off my back at least.

However, I also am finally settled into this job (as much as I may loathe all the bullshit). This can also be a bad thing though, because I've picked up a few bad habits there too. And usually I tend to get bored with a job and start to get lazy which tends to get me to quit.

But I really love this church too, it's different from anything I've experienced and I'm learning a lot. So I don't know, should I be going back? Did I just try to run away from everything out here? Am I still in many of the same messes? Should I face things out there? Should I try to make things work here?

I think subconsciously I have avoided meeting people and making friends out here, because this place was only supposed to be temporary. I didn't want to get involved with people and then have to leave them again. But now, I'm interested in getting involved in small group and other activities that would bring me more together with people.

So Where do I begin with this list when I'm not even sure I'm making the right choices? I'm frustrated, nervous, and oddly numb. I guess I figure if I ignore it long enough, things will sort themselves out.

But that's how I got into this mess in the first place.