Along came Junior High and everything seemed to be going along fine. Then I became the outcast. One day they all just stopped talking to me. They avoided me and wouldn't even respond when I spoke directly to them. I was absolutely crushed. Not only was I an outcast but in an effort to save themselves my best friends had left me with no lifeline at all.

Eventually I made it to high school. I found a girl that I recognized from junior high and immediately latched on. We quickly became close friends. And over the next year, I would become really close with a boy! A boy, paying attention to me?! (Little did I know at the time that he was gay) And He and I became inseperable. So I had two friends again... And that boy was so outgoing and outspoken that he introduced me to many others including, initially at least, Cordelia. He gave me courage to do things I never thought were possible. Eventually he and I too drifted apart.

Cordelia has been closer than a sister to me over the past four years. She is the one I turn to when I'm not sure what step to take next. She's the one that helped me through some really tough times. We were close friends until a few days ago. She says we have grown apart, to a point that we are so different that continuing our friendship is impossible.

What is so wrong with me that people get to know me only long enough to know that I am not the type of person they want to be around?

Her reaction has made me very afraid that when I go back home in May everyone will feel the same way and everyone will think that I've changed so much that no one will want to be around me.

So today I am feeling, unloved, hurt, rejected and a little remorseful for not thinking before I acted. Although, even if I hadn't said what I had, I still would have thought it and I still believe it and I guess that is what this is about. It still would have been there. I don't know. I've lost my confidence again. If you happen to see it on your travels please let me know. I'm lost without it.